Funny JOTD (Joke of the day)

[tomthounaojam]

My best friend passed away recently. Grieving before his grave I sadi" Bro, I really missed you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" One month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. I am really happy my prayer worked.

 

[TIGREDELAIRE]

A man had a dog that barked a lot at night, so his neighbor went to him for that reason, the solution he gave him was that he would go to the vet to ask him for some medicine so that the dog would sleep peacefully at night.
the next day, the neighbor became very annoyed again, to incredulate him again because the dog had stopped barking but was snoring very loudly, so the neighbor proposed the following solution:
you take the medicine to sleep, I bark and the dog decides

 

[tomthounaojam]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner, Orton, arrived last week for the pre-Christmas check ride.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

 

[tomthounaojam]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had All the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
and then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, ‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’

 

[Jake84]

I’m giving up alcohol for a month!

Wait, that came out wrong.

I’m giving up, alcohol for a month!

 

[tomthounaojam]

Q: Men sucking ladies breast is normal because the act was learned during their childhood but what baffles me is ladies sucking guys dick where they learn that from?
Ans: You mama never bought you lollipop aye? What did you think she was training you for? Diabetes?

 

[Jake84]

I went to store and asked for some deodorant.

The cashier asked "Do you want the roll on ball type?"

I said "No thanks, I want it for under my arms."

 

[muck]

A few years before his death, race driver legend Niki Lauda relayed this story to a German newspaper:

[NB: A 'Kipferl' is a crescent-shaped biscuit.]

"One of these morning show hosts came over from America; a tall curvy blonde, she was. They'd travelled to the Nürburgring and wanted to do an interview at the site of the crash. They'd probably told themselves: 'He's going to be reduced to tears, that'll be great material!'​

But I'd brought a kipferl from the hotel restaurant. This I flicked into the grass when they weren't looking.​

So that lady starts doing her thing: 'Mister Lauda, how is it to be here–"​

I cut her off: 'Wait a second! Can it be…?', and I take a few steps forward on the verge.​

'What are you doing?', she asks.​

I bend down and go: 'Oh, look, I think I've found my ear!'​

That woman lost it completely. Scared the living daylights out of her. We had to shoot the whole segment another time."​

 

[tomthounaojam]

There was once this Apache Indian who had 3 squaws - but none of them were able to bear him a child. A medicine man advised him that animal skins were potent - following his advice, the Apache slept with his 3 squaws on different animal skins - a hippo skin, a jaguar skin & a leopard skin.

True to prediction, in due course he had children. The squaw with whom he slept on the jaguar & leopard skins presented him with a fine boy each. The squaw who slept on the hippo skin, however, had twins!

All this goes on to prove what an old Greek philosopher called Pythagoras had been saying all along: the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other 2 hides.

 

[tomthounaojam]

How to call the Police...

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Response unit, a Helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[tomthounaojam]

Blonde at the Super Bowl,
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best - because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it, " She replied, " especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumfounded, her boyfriend asked, "what do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...' Get the quarterback! 'Get the quarterback!' I'm like .... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

 

[TIGREDELAIRE]

A nurse receives a phone call:
* Miss, good morning, could you inform me how is the patient in room 303?
* gladly, one moment please
The nurse goes to ask and tells the caller:
* the patient of 303 is very well, the exams went smoothly, we will discharge her today, are you familiar with her?
* no, I am the patient, what happens is that I escaped 3 days ago and since nobody was going to see me, the doctor did not check me and the nurses either, because I came to my house and wanted to confirm that I am already healthy and see if it They had noticed my absence!

 

[Jake84]

We have a joke thread here by the way:

Funny - JOTD (Joke of the day)

Moderator note: Thread’s title was edited so to have a broader “Joke” thread. Two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to...

militaryimages.net

 

[BCNTM]

A friend of mine from Basildon was Christmas shopping with his wife at Lakeside last year on Christmas Eve and the centre was packed.

As his wife walked through the centre she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Darling, do you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife, all choked up started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

 

[digrar]

I was in the pub with a mate last week and these four huge buggers started gobbing off at us. My mate said "Lets pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

 

[Jake84]

My friend Dave’s always been the kind of guy that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.

“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.

“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all of my problems for me,” he replied.

"What? How much does that cost?"

"$1,000 a week"

“A grand a week? How the heck are you going to afford that!?"

“I don't know, That’s his problem!”

 

[digrar]

I went out walking with my brother Jim
Somebody threw a tomato at him.
Now tomatoes are soft and they don't hurt the skin.
But this buggar did, coz it was still in the tin.

 

[tomthounaojam]

It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy" with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.

 

[Jake84]

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in. The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off." She replies "You better jack off, I've got a headache"

 

[digrar]

DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat S**t.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant f*cking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f*cking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f*cking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the f*cking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
F*cking thief.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to f***ing throttle him.
F*cking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat.
F*cking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f*cking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a f*cking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and f***ing sunny.
It never f*cking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 f***ing months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
F*ck!

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f*cking pool.
The only things that thrive in this f*cking hell-hole are the f*cking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 f*ckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the f***ing car up his f*cking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
F*cking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented f*cking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT! The FIRST day of Summer!
You are f*cking kidding me!