Funny The Tazer

trackman

Mi Private
MI.Net Member
Joined
Jan 15, 2006
Messages
12
Points
3
well it was comming up to my wifes birthday and i was wondering what to get her when i saw this in a shop window, a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. the notice says that The effects of the tazer were short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing him/her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? ....COOL i thought........! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was kinda disappointed. but i did learn however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to her what that black burn spot is on the face of her new microwave. anyway I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch
in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no efen way!'
well.......What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'go on do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh and pushed the button, . . HOLY F**k . . . . WHAT THE ........!!!
I'm pretty sure some big bouncer ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? and wondering what that smell was,...The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? A minute or so later (I can't be sure , as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure . I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
sorry lads.didnt see that it has been posted up on site before.....DUH....:eek:
 
Ah, Enlightenment!!

Hey, welcome to the shock yourself silly club. Did something similar with a 200,000 volt stungun the ran off of 2 9-volt batteries, back when I was a Washington,D.C. Special Police Officer. Boredom and too much coffee and sugar, and, well, you know what can happen...

"Gee, could this little thing really bring down a suspect??? I wonder.... ZZZAAAPPPP!!!!"

:eek::eek::eek:


 
Back
Top