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Funny 1066

airborne

airborne

Mi Sergeant Major
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It was the morning before the Battle of Hastings and King Harold was walking among the troops to boost morale when he came to a bunch of Spearmen

" G'day lads" says the king" who is the best among you" Cries of "Cedric sire" went up.
"Right" says the King, "See yonder mighty oak and the knot in it's bark halfway down" ?
" Too bloody right " says Cedric ( a blow in from OZ!)
" Let that be your target" says the king.
Cedric, no messing about, hits it smack dead centre to loud cheers from one and all.
The King hands him a gold sovereign and says " And so shall you smite the enemy today" ( More Cheering)

Next bunch he comes across are the Axemen." Right" says the King, " who is the greatest axeman among you"
Cries of "Baldar, Baldar"
" Right" says the King, " See yonder sapling, canst thou ( that's how they used to speak ) split it in one throw"
No messing, sapling split in two and Baldur gets a gold sov. for his piggy bank.

Next bunch are the bowmen ( Support Coy ?) but this time the King says " who is the youngest among you"?
Cries of "Ethelred Sire" A very young skinny scared young lad comes forward.
" See yonder supply wagon Ethered, slot one into that anywhere you like"
The poor lad is such a bag of nerves he fumbles, wobbles and misses the bloody big wagon altogether.
Rude jeers from his mates. " No,no" says the King, here is a gold sov. for trying. You will do better in battle I'm certain"

As the King walks away he turns to one of his Generals and mutters" Somebody watch out for that clown, he could have somebodies eye out if he's not careful"
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GunBunnyInaMAB said:
OK, so what's the punchline?
Click to expand...
Sorry mate, very British joke .
King Harold lost to the Norman invaders in 1066, dying by getting an arrow in his eye, and a phrase from my childhood was when a kid was running about waving a stick ( pretend sword) your Mother would say " take that stick off him, he'll take somebody's eye out with that"
geddit ??!!
 
The Battle of Hastings
By Marriott Edgar (1880 - 1951)

I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings,
As happened in days long gone by,
When Duke William became King of England,
And 'Arold got shot in the eye.

It were this way - one day in October
The Duke, who were always a toff
Having no battles on at the moment,
Had given his lads a day off.

They'd all taken boats to go fishing,
When some chap in t' Conqueror's ear
Said 'Let's go and put breeze up the Saxons;'
Said Bill - 'By gum, that's an idea.'

Then turning around to his soldiers,
He lifted his big Nonnan voice,
Shouting - 'Hands up who's coming to England.'
That was swank 'cos they hadn't no choice.

They started away about tea-time -
The sea was so calm and so still,
And at quarter to ten the next morning
They arrived at a place called Bexhill.

King 'Arold came up as they landed -
His face full of venom and 'ate -
He said 'lf you've come for Regatta
You've got here just six weeks too late.'

At this William rose, cool but 'aughty,
And said 'Give us none of your cheek;
You'd best have your throne re-upholstered,
I'll be wanting to use it next week.'

When 'Arold heard this 'ere defiance,
With rage he turned purple and blue,
And shouted some rude words in Saxon,
To which William answered - 'And you.'

'Twere a beautiful day for a battle;
The Normans set off with a will,
And when both sides was duly assembled,
They tossed for the top of the hill.

King 'Arold he won the advantage,
On the hill-top he took up his stand,
With his knaves and his cads all around him,
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

The Normans had nowt in their favour,
Their chance of a victory seemed small,
For the slope of the field were against them,
And the wind in their faces an' all.

The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,
And soon as the whistle had went
Both sides started banging each other
'Til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.

The Saxons had best line of forwards,
Well armed both with buckler and sword -
But the Normans had best combination,
And when half-time came neither had scored.

So the Duke called his cohorts together
And said - 'Let's pretend that we're beat,
Once we get Saxons down on the level
We'll cut off their means of retreat.'

So they ran - and the Saxons ran after,
Just exactly as William had planned,
Leaving 'Arold alone on the hill-top
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

When the Conqueror saw what had happened,
A bow and an arrow he drew;
He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.
He were off-side, but what could they do?

The Normans turned round in a fury,
And gave back both parry and thrust,
Till the fight were all over bar shouting,
And you couldn't see Saxons for dust.

And after the battle were over
They found 'Arold so stately and grand,
Sitting there with an eye-full of arrow
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.


The Fivepenny Piece’s version of the poem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jbKFPpqvQs&feature=related


Silky
 
You will love this link.

Hi Silky try this link for some good old music hall monologues etc

http://www.monologues.co.uk/index.htm

airborne
John A Silkstone said:
The Battle of Hastings
By Marriott Edgar (1880 - 1951)

I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings,
As happened in days long gone by,
When Duke William became King of England,
And 'Arold got shot in the eye.

It were this way - one day in October
The Duke, who were always a toff
Having no battles on at the moment,
Had given his lads a day off.

They'd all taken boats to go fishing,
When some chap in t' Conqueror's ear
Said 'Let's go and put breeze up the Saxons;'
Said Bill - 'By gum, that's an idea.'

Then turning around to his soldiers,
He lifted his big Nonnan voice,
Shouting - 'Hands up who's coming to England.'
That was swank 'cos they hadn't no choice.

They started away about tea-time -
The sea was so calm and so still,
And at quarter to ten the next morning
They arrived at a place called Bexhill.

King 'Arold came up as they landed -
His face full of venom and 'ate -
He said 'lf you've come for Regatta
You've got here just six weeks too late.'

At this William rose, cool but 'aughty,
And said 'Give us none of your cheek;
You'd best have your throne re-upholstered,
I'll be wanting to use it next week.'

When 'Arold heard this 'ere defiance,
With rage he turned purple and blue,
And shouted some rude words in Saxon,
To which William answered - 'And you.'

'Twere a beautiful day for a battle;
The Normans set off with a will,
And when both sides was duly assembled,
They tossed for the top of the hill.

King 'Arold he won the advantage,
On the hill-top he took up his stand,
With his knaves and his cads all around him,
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

The Normans had nowt in their favour,
Their chance of a victory seemed small,
For the slope of the field were against them,
And the wind in their faces an' all.

The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,
And soon as the whistle had went
Both sides started banging each other
'Til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.

The Saxons had best line of forwards,
Well armed both with buckler and sword -
But the Normans had best combination,
And when half-time came neither had scored.

So the Duke called his cohorts together
And said - 'Let's pretend that we're beat,
Once we get Saxons down on the level
We'll cut off their means of retreat.'

So they ran - and the Saxons ran after,
Just exactly as William had planned,
Leaving 'Arold alone on the hill-top
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

When the Conqueror saw what had happened,
A bow and an arrow he drew;
He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.
He were off-side, but what could they do?

The Normans turned round in a fury,
And gave back both parry and thrust,
Till the fight were all over bar shouting,
And you couldn't see Saxons for dust.

And after the battle were over
They found 'Arold so stately and grand,
Sitting there with an eye-full of arrow
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.


The Fivepenny Piece’s version of the poem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jbKFPpqvQs&feature=related


Silky
Click to expand...
 
Hi Airborne, thanks for the info, but I already visit that site. Among my poems are two monologues, 1) is the lions side of 'THE LION & ALBERT' and the other is what SAM SMALL did after picking up his musket.

Silky
 
rbo;Dammit!! Nothing gets by you, does it? Speaking of jokes, go check your birthday greetings...blah,
 
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