ronangel
10-04-07, 01:17
I dont know if this counts as a military story but its funny....
part of emu files the full version which can be read at
http://www.ssrichardmontgomery.com/emufiles.htm
worth a read. if you dont find something funny go see your proctologist.
I am Bruvver in the story ( emu is my brother & stands for
"eccentric mailbox user" from the days of prestel & BBS
before the internet was used as it is today.
A true story of a few amusing moments during our trip to Israel in 1983, at the time Reagan stationed 40 battleships off The Lebanese coast. The first we heard of this (owing to Israeli Internal censorship) was after the whole of Tel Aviv was blacked Out due, we were told, to an "accident" at the power station. After my bruvver went out and borrowed all the candles from the 5-star hotel toilets (we only stay in the best, as we were Subsidised by the Israeli Tourist Board in our capacity as travel Agents) (that's another story on it's own)! My bruvver said we should not take a chance and believe the hotel staff that the Power would be back on soon. In fact it was off all night with Only the hotel generators for the lifts and emergency lighting. We, however, had about 20 candlepower in our room! When the power returned, we went to a location where direct News came in off the International press wires and noted the Current dodgy situation, along with some German tourists, who, Upon reading about the battleships, waved their arms about, Mentioned Zer Var, and made enquiries about how to get to the Airport quickly. After speaking to some United Nations troops my Bruvver said, "Why don't we drive up to the Lebanese border where All the action is!" Two hours later, after convincing me that we Wouldn't actually CROSS the border, I agreed to his idea. We Hired a car (that took another two hours whilst I negotiated the Price; everything is negotiable in Israel, and they really work For it as they, like us, are all Jewish! As is the practice in Israel, you give lifts to any Military personnel who are hitchhiking. This poor girl soldier was Stupid enough to accept a lift from us. (I doubt if she would Have done, had she seen the lunatic look my bruvver always has Behind the wheel of a car, but he was wearing dark glasses)! We Were travelling on a mountain road when she asked my bruvver very Nervously from the back of the car why he was driving at this Speed (about 95 mph). My bruvver said to me, "You tell her!" I Explained to the girl the good news and the bad news. The bad News...he was only doing 95 mph because that was as fast as the Car would go. The good news, I told her, was that we'd soon be Going Downhill, and then he'd be able to go a bit faster! And we Did, and HE DID! The noise of her moans from the back of the car Out-did the whining sound of the engine box going full blast, the Grating of the gearbox and the profanities my bruvver was Uttering about the gearbox not wanting to change down. By this Time I'd closed my eyes as well! The next soldier hitchhiker we picked up wasn't so lucky. We'd taken a wrong turn onto a motorway. My bruvver said, "Watch This. If James Bond can do it, so can I". He promptly reversed up The motorway slip road. A vanload of foreign gentlemen came past Us just as another load of equally foreign gents decided to Overtake the first lot. What happened was I got a close up view Of the second van as it came through my door. By this time I was Sitting in my bruvver's lap with my hands covering my head. The Soldier jumped out the broken window and ran! Then all chaos reigned! All the foreign gentlemen jumped out of the van, waved Their arms in the air and shouted what appeared to be abuse. A Truck load of United Nations troops slowed down and nearly caused A multiple pile-up. The problem was that nobody spoke English, Until the police turned up and explained to them that it was a Hire car and we were fully insured. They then seemed very happy And drove off waving. We got a police escort back to the local Car hire depot, where my bruvver said to the poor man behind the Counter, "Can we have a new car, please?" My bruvver explained That he'd had a bit of trouble with the gearbox. The man had a Look at the car, turned pale and took me to one side. "Can he Actually drive?" the man asked. I of course said, "Yes". He asked My bruvver how it was that the van hit the side door, yet there Was a big dent in the rear bumper. "Ah, that was where I Demolished flower boxes in the garage when the car accidentally Went into reverse gear!" came the reply. The man took me aside Again and said, "Are you SURE he can drive?" Having assured him, He was silly enough to give us another car! So there we were in sunny downtown Israel, with a new hire Car, replacing the one my bruvver had just wrecked. After my bruvver had had a good night's sleep, only disturbed by me waking Up during the night in a cold sweat and screaming, remembering The previous day's events and then peacefully going back to sleep Again when I reminded myself that some people are worse off than Us (i.e. those poor fools we conned into looking after the cat), we Continued our trip in the direction of the Lebanese border, where All the action was. We were near Jericho when my bruvver had a Call of nature. We pulled off the road and he noticed tank tracks. So we followed off the road where they went. We came upon what my bruvver described as the equivalent of Rommel's 3rd Division! He saw girl soldiers and wanted to immediately Surrender, but I told him our mission was more important. By now it was dark and we came upon a roadblock. The Soldier manning it, according to my bruvver, waved us on. I Wasn't too sure! As my bruvver was doing about 60 mph at the Time, I doubt if he could have seen the soldier wave him on, and I wasn't taking any chances, especially as they all had machine Guns. So, as they do in the films, I jumped from the passenger Seat into the back and hit the deck. I was wondering how we were Going to explain the bullet holes to that poor man in the car Hire office (assuming we survived)! My bruvver realised what had Happened, went lower in his seat and accelerated!
The following Day, we were driving by the Sea of Galilee, in the direction of The Golan Heights, when we picked up a hitchhiking soldier. It was Only after he was in the car and my bruvver had driven off like a Lunatic, that I realised what the soldier was carrying. He told Us he was in the bomb disposal squad (he was the only person who Actually enjoyed my bruvver's driving)! He was armed to the teeth With absolutely everything except for a nuclear device (and we Were not quite sure about that)! As my bruvver was discussing the Pros and cons of the special gun he had across his shoulder, I Had a thought. The way my bruvver drives, combined with the fact That his full attention wasn't on the road, and we were carrying Enough explosives etc. on board to start World War III, what would Happen if we hit something? I asked him and he told me the good News and the bad news. The good news...we wouldn't have to worry About all that paperwork in the car hire office; the bad News...there wouldn't be a car left! When the soldier eventually got out of the car, he thanked My bruvver for a fantastic drive, which had made his day, and Asked him if he wanted to join the bomb disposal squad. But he Also told us we wouldn't be able to get near enough to the border And it was very dangerous. Not wanting to do anything dangerous (!) We made our way back to our hotel. In the lift was a Uniformed officer. My bruvver, looking at his uniform and seeing That he was obviously of a fairly high rank said to him, "Are you Important?" There was no reply. We saw the officer's picture in The morning paper. He turned out to be the Commander in Chief of All the troops!
part of emu files the full version which can be read at
http://www.ssrichardmontgomery.com/emufiles.htm
worth a read. if you dont find something funny go see your proctologist.
I am Bruvver in the story ( emu is my brother & stands for
"eccentric mailbox user" from the days of prestel & BBS
before the internet was used as it is today.
A true story of a few amusing moments during our trip to Israel in 1983, at the time Reagan stationed 40 battleships off The Lebanese coast. The first we heard of this (owing to Israeli Internal censorship) was after the whole of Tel Aviv was blacked Out due, we were told, to an "accident" at the power station. After my bruvver went out and borrowed all the candles from the 5-star hotel toilets (we only stay in the best, as we were Subsidised by the Israeli Tourist Board in our capacity as travel Agents) (that's another story on it's own)! My bruvver said we should not take a chance and believe the hotel staff that the Power would be back on soon. In fact it was off all night with Only the hotel generators for the lifts and emergency lighting. We, however, had about 20 candlepower in our room! When the power returned, we went to a location where direct News came in off the International press wires and noted the Current dodgy situation, along with some German tourists, who, Upon reading about the battleships, waved their arms about, Mentioned Zer Var, and made enquiries about how to get to the Airport quickly. After speaking to some United Nations troops my Bruvver said, "Why don't we drive up to the Lebanese border where All the action is!" Two hours later, after convincing me that we Wouldn't actually CROSS the border, I agreed to his idea. We Hired a car (that took another two hours whilst I negotiated the Price; everything is negotiable in Israel, and they really work For it as they, like us, are all Jewish! As is the practice in Israel, you give lifts to any Military personnel who are hitchhiking. This poor girl soldier was Stupid enough to accept a lift from us. (I doubt if she would Have done, had she seen the lunatic look my bruvver always has Behind the wheel of a car, but he was wearing dark glasses)! We Were travelling on a mountain road when she asked my bruvver very Nervously from the back of the car why he was driving at this Speed (about 95 mph). My bruvver said to me, "You tell her!" I Explained to the girl the good news and the bad news. The bad News...he was only doing 95 mph because that was as fast as the Car would go. The good news, I told her, was that we'd soon be Going Downhill, and then he'd be able to go a bit faster! And we Did, and HE DID! The noise of her moans from the back of the car Out-did the whining sound of the engine box going full blast, the Grating of the gearbox and the profanities my bruvver was Uttering about the gearbox not wanting to change down. By this Time I'd closed my eyes as well! The next soldier hitchhiker we picked up wasn't so lucky. We'd taken a wrong turn onto a motorway. My bruvver said, "Watch This. If James Bond can do it, so can I". He promptly reversed up The motorway slip road. A vanload of foreign gentlemen came past Us just as another load of equally foreign gents decided to Overtake the first lot. What happened was I got a close up view Of the second van as it came through my door. By this time I was Sitting in my bruvver's lap with my hands covering my head. The Soldier jumped out the broken window and ran! Then all chaos reigned! All the foreign gentlemen jumped out of the van, waved Their arms in the air and shouted what appeared to be abuse. A Truck load of United Nations troops slowed down and nearly caused A multiple pile-up. The problem was that nobody spoke English, Until the police turned up and explained to them that it was a Hire car and we were fully insured. They then seemed very happy And drove off waving. We got a police escort back to the local Car hire depot, where my bruvver said to the poor man behind the Counter, "Can we have a new car, please?" My bruvver explained That he'd had a bit of trouble with the gearbox. The man had a Look at the car, turned pale and took me to one side. "Can he Actually drive?" the man asked. I of course said, "Yes". He asked My bruvver how it was that the van hit the side door, yet there Was a big dent in the rear bumper. "Ah, that was where I Demolished flower boxes in the garage when the car accidentally Went into reverse gear!" came the reply. The man took me aside Again and said, "Are you SURE he can drive?" Having assured him, He was silly enough to give us another car! So there we were in sunny downtown Israel, with a new hire Car, replacing the one my bruvver had just wrecked. After my bruvver had had a good night's sleep, only disturbed by me waking Up during the night in a cold sweat and screaming, remembering The previous day's events and then peacefully going back to sleep Again when I reminded myself that some people are worse off than Us (i.e. those poor fools we conned into looking after the cat), we Continued our trip in the direction of the Lebanese border, where All the action was. We were near Jericho when my bruvver had a Call of nature. We pulled off the road and he noticed tank tracks. So we followed off the road where they went. We came upon what my bruvver described as the equivalent of Rommel's 3rd Division! He saw girl soldiers and wanted to immediately Surrender, but I told him our mission was more important. By now it was dark and we came upon a roadblock. The Soldier manning it, according to my bruvver, waved us on. I Wasn't too sure! As my bruvver was doing about 60 mph at the Time, I doubt if he could have seen the soldier wave him on, and I wasn't taking any chances, especially as they all had machine Guns. So, as they do in the films, I jumped from the passenger Seat into the back and hit the deck. I was wondering how we were Going to explain the bullet holes to that poor man in the car Hire office (assuming we survived)! My bruvver realised what had Happened, went lower in his seat and accelerated!
The following Day, we were driving by the Sea of Galilee, in the direction of The Golan Heights, when we picked up a hitchhiking soldier. It was Only after he was in the car and my bruvver had driven off like a Lunatic, that I realised what the soldier was carrying. He told Us he was in the bomb disposal squad (he was the only person who Actually enjoyed my bruvver's driving)! He was armed to the teeth With absolutely everything except for a nuclear device (and we Were not quite sure about that)! As my bruvver was discussing the Pros and cons of the special gun he had across his shoulder, I Had a thought. The way my bruvver drives, combined with the fact That his full attention wasn't on the road, and we were carrying Enough explosives etc. on board to start World War III, what would Happen if we hit something? I asked him and he told me the good News and the bad news. The good news...we wouldn't have to worry About all that paperwork in the car hire office; the bad News...there wouldn't be a car left! When the soldier eventually got out of the car, he thanked My bruvver for a fantastic drive, which had made his day, and Asked him if he wanted to join the bomb disposal squad. But he Also told us we wouldn't be able to get near enough to the border And it was very dangerous. Not wanting to do anything dangerous (!) We made our way back to our hotel. In the lift was a Uniformed officer. My bruvver, looking at his uniform and seeing That he was obviously of a fairly high rank said to him, "Are you Important?" There was no reply. We saw the officer's picture in The morning paper. He turned out to be the Commander in Chief of All the troops!