HighlandSniper58
03-05-04, 23:37
On some air bases in America the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor,
"Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
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During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another vehicle stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your Humvee stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
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FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Only Dropped once.
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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."
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A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings:
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?"
"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's command jeep."
"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No sir."
"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"
"Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"Not yet!"
"That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"
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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
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In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Copilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit.
The next year they came back. "Copilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit.
The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Copilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00."
"But we don't understand, what happened to him?"
"Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his ass barkin ever since."
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Q. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
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Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
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A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves -- the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor,
"Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another vehicle stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your Humvee stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Only Dropped once.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings:
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?"
"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's command jeep."
"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No sir."
"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"
"Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"Not yet!"
"That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Copilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit.
The next year they came back. "Copilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit.
The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Copilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00."
"But we don't understand, what happened to him?"
"Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his ass barkin ever since."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves -- the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"