K9 veteran

[Eagledriver]

One day a man was reading the classifieds in the newspaper, and he noticed an ad: "For sale. Talking dog. $20.00."

The man noticed that the address was that of his neighbors, so he walks next door. "Hey, Bob. The paper made a mistake on your ad."

"Not a mistake," Bob replies.

"Not a mistake? You mean you actually have a talking dog?"

"Yep. See for yourself. He's in the bedroom."

The man walks into the bedroom, and sees a dog, relaxed on the bed, laying on his back, with his paws behind his head.

"You the talking dog?" the man asks skeptically.

The dog turns and looks at him, and says, "Yep. Good to meet you."

The man is amazed. "Where did you learn to speak English," he asks.

The dog replies, "Well, it started in the Air Force. I used to be a dog instructor at the Air Force's K-9 dog school at Lackland Air Force Base. I learned english pretty good there. Then I was transferred to Army Special Forces. I went on some missions in Latin America, learned some more English, and even picked up some Spanish. After that, I was transferred to the Marines, where I was a Guard Dog at the Embassy in Paris. I learned a little French while I was there. Before I retired, I was transferred to the Navy, where I was a K-9 dog in Italy. Learned me some Italian while I was there."

The man was absolutely amazed. He went back into the living room and said to his neighbor, "That's amazing. How can you sell a dog like that for $20.00?"

The neighbor replied, "Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of those things."

[Eagledriver]

Three U.S. soldiers were on a special ops mission deep in the jungles of South America. The three man team consisted of one Marine, one Navy SEAL, and one Army Ranger. The team was on patrol and was captured by a band of headhunters. The headhunters took the team back to the village to stand trial for trespassing on sacred grounds.

The three men were tied up and placed in the middle of the village to be questioned by the chief headhunter. The first to be questioned was the Marine. "You have been found guilty of trespassing and will be executed. We will use your skin for canoes, your bones for weapons, and your meat to feed our people. Do you have any last requests?" the chief asked.

"Yeah," the Marine replied. " I want my rucksack".

"Your rucksack?" the chief replied.

"Yes, my rucksack."

The chief gave the Marine the rucksack. The Marine opened it and pulled out a .45 pistol. He then shot himself in the head.

"Oh well, we can still use his body," the chief said. He then turned to the SEAL and asked if he had any last requests.

"Yeah. Give me my dog tag chain," the SEAL said.

When the chief handed him the chain, the SEAL opened a locket on the chain, took out a cyanide pill and swallowed it. Within 30 seconds he was dead.

"That's okay," the chief said. "We can still use his body."

He then turned to the Ranger and asked him if he had any last request.

"Give me my mess kit," replied the Ranger.

"Your mess kit?" the chief asked, thinking that this was an odd final request.

"Yeah, jackass. My mess kit," said the Ranger.

When the chief handed the Ranger the mess kit, the Ranger opened it and took out his fork.

"Look here chief," the Ranger said, " you might be able to use my bones to make weapons for your people. You might be able to use my meat to feed your people. But," the Ranger said as he began stabbing himself all over his own chest, " to Hell with your damn canoes!"