Sky-diving

[Eagledriver]

A skydiver returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had happened to him on the way home from the drop zone:

"I was driving home and saw a car stopped beside the highway. A woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home OK, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what was happening we were in her bed having sex. Finally I realized how late it was and I left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late."

"Don't lie to me, you [censored]," his wife said. "You stayed and made another jump, didn't you?"
__________________________________________________ _______

Q: What's the hardest thing about skydiving?
A: The ground.

Q: What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer?
A: A golfer goes "[WHACK] ... Oh ****!". A skydiver goes "Oh ****! ... [WHACK]"

Q: How can you tell a good 4-way team from a bad 4-way team?
A: A good 4-way team going in sounds like "[WHACK]".
A bad 4-way team goes "[WHACK] ... [WHACK][WHACK] ... [WHACK]"
__________________________________________________ ___________

:shock: :shock:

[82Rigger]

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

[Eagledriver]

lolb; lolb; lolb; lolb; lolb; notworthy: notworthy:

[Bombardier]

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are parachuting.

The blonde pulls her cord and the chute works perfectly. The brunette pulls her cord and nothing happens. She continues falling straight down.

As the brunette passes her friend, the blonde gets angry, unbuckles her harness and yells, "Oh, so you wanna race, huh?"
=============================================

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
===============================================

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist
You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser
You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer
You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist
You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher
You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major
You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature
You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science
You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics
You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis
You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama
You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art
You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican
As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat
You ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian
After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association
You shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot
You beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist
You refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist
Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh)
You get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan
You start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic
As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Ross Perot
You tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General
You issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers
You explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
==============================================

A sky diver and his instructor peered down at the fields 15,000 feet below. "There's nothing to worry about." soothed the instructor, "All you do is count to 50 and pull your ripcord. If per chance that doesn't work, pull your reserve. There'll be a truck waiting to pick you up and take you back to the field."

The sky diver took a deep breath and plunged into the blue. After free-falling, he pulled the his ripcord. Nothing ! He pulled his reserve, only to see that fail too.

"Dammit" he said, shaking his head, "I'll bet that stupid truck's not gonna be there either."

[Derrick Stephenson]

Politician - You delegate someone else to jump in your place.
:roll: :roll:
Derrick.